oh flying...

Last night at the airport, I saw something that I hadnt seen before. At the security checkpoint, they had this air shooter machine. When instructed, I stepped into this human car-wash chamber. I remained still and then several intense bursts of air hit me quickly from every angle. After a few seconds, the light turned green and the clear doors opened. Then I walked through the metal detectors and waited for my carry on bag.

As a fairly experienced traveler, I had minimized my chance of having any holdup at security. I was wearing only jeans and a t-shirt, and everything on my person had been removed and put into my backpack while I was waiting in line. Taking off my belt, long sleeved shirt, hat, and removing everything from my pockets was a bit of a hassle, but far from the trouble that goes along with the personal body search. I took away any and all potential reasons for setting off any alarm.

However, the same was not true for my fellow airplane riders. The people in front of me had clearly not ridden a plane since 9/11. Everything was new to them. But that wasnt an excuse. This new air pumping machine was slowing up the line. That meant you had plenty of time to watch the people in front of you. It should have been obvious by the time they got to the front that they needed to remove their shoes and jackets. But they hadn't, so I waited.

And then the people in front of them were overprepared. They had decided to take their entire pantry with them. And they were aware of some new rule about the amount of fluids that can be carried onto a plane. They have about a dozen ziplock bags with 2.34 ounces (or whatever the new rule is...) The problem was they knew the rules better than the people enforcing them. Despite what you might think, this also held up the line. The security officer didnt know what to do when the old guy took a sip of hand soap from a sandwich bag. Then when the big-on-rules guy told the security guy the rules, he went power-trip and took offense. So then he had to act like there was a big problem, which delayed everyone even more. The sad fact of the matter is if I were a criminal I would have had a perfect distraction to slide through the line. You had a bunch of overeager wanna-be hostage negotiators giving a 65 year old law abiding man a hard time.

Argh. So frustrating. I have decided that the break even point of flying is getting bigger. That is to say that if you are traveling under 300 miles, it is more efficient to drive (or walk or bike or swim.) I dont know what the old thresehold point was, but it is getting longer. They tell people to get to the airport an hour or two early. Well the people who are getting there that early are the ones who are holding up the lines. People who travel often do not need that much time. They arrive with boarding pass in hand without the intention of checking bags.

Then i boarded the plane. Since I was on Southwest and had a C grouping and did not check any bags, I didnt care where I sat. Instead of standing in line for 30 minutes I bought a newspaper and sat in a chair and read it. Then I boarded the plane, last. The flight was almost, but not completely full. I ended up sitting in a middle seat about halfway back. I sat in between a man and women, about 40 years old. I thought they didnt know each other but later learned they were together.

Which was a major problem. They thought they were being so savvy be sitting in the aisle and window seats. Their little sceme was to try to discourage another person from sitting between them by putting their bags in the middle seat. Well it didnt work. I wasnt checking any bags and had a tiny backpack that I could hold on my lap if need be. I wasnt going any further back than I had to, so when I asked if the seat was taken and he reluctantly said it was available I sat down.

It was then I realized they knew each other. It wasnt the immediate conversation that gave it away. It was the next 45 minutes of chatter across me that gave it away. Ok sneaky people, your trick didnt work and I sat in your row. You lost. Well dont talk across me the entire time. If you were so pressed to sit next to your friend/wife/whatever then offer to switch seats with me once I sat down. But that never happened. Jerks. Oh well.

Atleast I arrived at the airport with no way of getting home. At first it was sort of exciting. Sort of like my own personal make-shift Amazing Race. However, after wandering around baggage claim for 10 minutes I thought it was way to sketchy to ask a random person for a ride. My original thought of chatting it up on the plane and getting to know my plane neighbors was ruined by annoying couple, and i was unable to spot anyone wearing a high school jacket of the school near my house (which was my back up plan...) so i ended up sucking it up and just getting a taxi. Atleast I was home in time to watch Monday night footballl.

PS Merry Christmas!